After a walk from the national museum, prompted by a nearby old cathedral, my friend, who happens to be in a, I must say, fulfilling relationship, directed a question to me:
“Are you open to getting married, if that ever is possible?”
It took me a few seconds to sort my cognitive and emotional processes, and my answer was a whopping NO. I said that I don’t want to be tied down with someone when I know I can do great things, when I know that I want to do so many things, and when I know that I need to be free, because that’s the kind of life I want. Getting married means to compromise, give in, give up things, decide with a partner, and just live a life with another’s. And deep in my recesses, I know I cannot do that just yet. For some reason, just by getting that answer out there, straight to the question, I felt relieved. I felt good because I acknowledged and accepted. I felt okay because, I found the answer.
It has been quite a journey to me – romance, intimacy, love. It has been quite a discovery considering that I am gay, and that there are no societal norms to tell me how I should act. We all did everything by intuition. I may have to thank some social dating apps, which in a way opened the doors for me to meet guys. But the ideal romance I pictured out while using television romance as template hasn’t materialized exactly. There have been LGTBQIA+ films that depicted romance and intimacy, but these are quite far from my reality. It wasn’t that easy.
My first didn’t quite go well. It took us almost 2 years of pushing and pulling because there was a struggle of identity, clarity, and assurance in the relationship, both collectively and individually. My ex-boyfriend wasn’t exactly the guy for me. I took graduate studies to regain myself back. But I must admit, I totally lost myself. I gave up the things that I love doing. At that time, love means to be sexual, and that’s where I fell short. Came different guys of different extents of complexities I could not even imagine. But, hey, I learned a lot about myself and what I really want. This was the journey I was talking about.
I explored dating apps, both for casual encounters and wholesome dates. I had to learn things, well, the hard and risky way. Then came a 5-month streak of a potential relationship, but this came too soon for me. I wasn’t exactly there yet. A 9-month relationship came, but this was too much for me to bear. I got scared of my ex’s future plans. I knew at that time, I didn’t want to give myself up anymore. I met guys who were quite lost themselves, who were uncertain. I began thinking a lot about me, my desire for a relationship, and my want for a partner. I even tried to rationalize that I am just pushed by social pressure, and that I just like the idea of romance and not necessarily being in it.
Then I stopped thinking when my friend popped that question, and my answer was an undeniably resounding NO. I thought I just probably lost it, and giving up myself would be a waste of time. And now, I am single, not even willing just yet to get into anything with someone. I chat with guys, but the moment dating becomes potential, I back off. I get scared. I tell myself I need myself full back again. Self-love is what they call it. I see it as my vision, for now. I think I am not in any way ready yet for anything.
A study on singlehood discusses reasons for staying single. One reason just struck me – attachment anxiety (Pepping, MacDonald, & Davis, 2018):
“A tension exists for people with high attachment anxiety; they seek proximity and closeness to romantic partners but also hold negative expectations of partners and do not trust that their efforts to gain proximity will be reciprocated. For instance, attachment anxiety is associated with heightened jealousy and low trust of partners, as well as poor communication and poor conflict-resolution skills.”
This is something I have experienced. This constantly happened. to me. I can’t seem to have a grounded head when dating someone. The study points to previous relationships that have led to this. In the study, such maladpative cognition lead to maladaptive behaviors. And since this is causing me so much anxiety, I opt to stay out of it.
“Such people are also more likely to perseverate and maintain emotional attachments to ex-partners, which is shown to predict future relationship instability.”
I must admit this. I still go back to my exes, mentally and emotionally. I keep telling myself I need to forget them, but I end up regressing and recalling. I would sometimes ask myself what I did wrong and how it should have ended well. This is causing me so much time thinking and feeling bad. This in turn is not worth the time anymore.
“Highly anxious individuals are less discriminating in their sexual partners, more willing to engage in risky sex, and more likely to engage in brief, unstable relationships.”
When I end up dating, I go back to the dating apps and just scroll for some quick tension “release.” I believed that I have associated love with just sex. But this is more of a manifestation of a behavior, and not necessarily a belief system. Eventually, this is becoming tiring and exhausting.
“When interacting with potential relationship partners, anxious individuals display high interpersonal receptivity, interest, and attentiveness, which is consistent with their desire to enhance intimacy; however, they also exhibit behaviors that undermine the quality of these interactions. For instance, they display less topical reciprocity (i.e., the degree to which their responses to communication concern the same subject matter) and are prone to excessive reassurance seeking and clinging behavior.”
I have often done this with some guys. Since I am not filtering guys that well, I just end up picking that jerk and remorse in the end. I always seem to complicate things. I thought I was odd, to begin with. But it wasn’t some mental situation. I am just myself an outcome of circumstances. Just by seeking for this assurance, I shortchange myself from nurturing myself, really.
“During conflict, they experience heightened distress and tend to escalate the conflict readily.”
In the end, I block guys, literally and figuratively. And blocking off guys means not communicating with them at all, again.
So this is a scientific and scholarly way to explain things, and it totally makes sense to me. My friend asked me that question, and I fully understood my response. It wasn’t a NO to cope. It was NO because it simply is a NO. I am probably scared to try out again, but I more inclined to work on myself.
In the same study, the third reason was that singlehood is a satisfying choice (Pepping, MacDonald, & Davis, 2018). It seems to me, right now. I can imagine doing many things here and there. I can envision another journey for me after I finish my graduate studies thesis. And that excites me a lot. I do feel lonely at times, but I go back to my core, which is to think, feel, decide, do, and choose to be happy on my own.
Ten years ago, I was giddy and young. I wanted to be in a romantic relationship. Today, I a more grounded and learned, wiser and quicker to sort things out. I still long for that guy someday, but now, I am single because I need to love myself first.
Reference:
Pepping, C.A., MacDonald, G., & Davis, P.J. (2018). Toward a Psychology of Singlehood: An Attachment-Theory Perspective on Long-Term Singlehood. Association for Psychological Science, 1–8, DOI: 10.1177/0963721417752106 http://www.psychologicalscience.org/CDPS
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