Extinguishing wick, not extinguish the wick. The wick gets extinguished on its own without the presence of wind or any external, environmental factor. Well, that’s how I see myself and some LGBT, at least from my experience and those of my friends.
The metaphor of the extinguishing wick is so apt for someone who’s been into several, if not few, dating scenes of different dynamics, emotional downturns, and versions of “letting go.” And as the dating continues, the candle wick never stays the same. Its extinguished part turns black, then burnt residue and dust. The candle melts, and so is someone’s soul, hope, and chance to find joy again, to be with someone, ideally for a lifetime. For the LGBT, this is a dilemma because truly, people do just come and go. Is it making me sad? I guess. I feel lonely, but somehow, I feel like moving forward with that baggage. Honestly, I can’t seem to move forward. I still bring these guys with me. As time goes by, I feel withering. I always tell myself I probably am just getting old, but old and dreadful, if I look back again. Just like the candle wick, though the burnt wick just goes with the wind just like the past, the candle that I am melts and never stands still, ever again.
I learned from this Mental Health Seminar that the reason people feel depressed is they lose their happiness source. It’s the coping that matters in the process. But as one gets beaten and bruised, he or she loses that part that makes him or her happy.
So this is the candle wick narrative. People slowly lose that part in them as they traverse this dating path while seeking for lifetime company. But more than the reason of going back and forth in the process, there is some underlying cause. The candle is not set on the ground, in the right place.
Studies have shown that intimacy dwindles in marriage once kids are born. Intimacy also loses when it’s just one party exerting so much to make things happen. But this dwindling wouldn’t have happened if the couple consciously and deliberately knew what they were there for anyway. People get into relationships for many reasons: good qualities, physical attraction, ideal partner, stable job, the same life vision, etc. These externalities may bring people together, but will set them apart in time. What I think causes people’s extinguishing in relationships is that the sole purpose and meaning one builds in another’s life is not there. If at the very onset, one knew his or her purpose in someone’s life, then, despite the dwindling, there is still a reason to stay. Couples often are blinded by this factor. They bank on what they think they like about the person when in fact what will make them stay together is their reason for the other.
I have dated guys in the past, and I have learned this in the process. I always tell myself the reason that I and some of the LGBT lose their relationships is because of this dwindling. This dwindling is the new normal, and that people can be replaced anyway. My relationships, at least, have extinguished because I didn’t figure out I and my former boyfriends had that purpose in our lives. We just go own with our mundane, seemingly, cute, handsome, and ideal activities as boyfriends. But these eventually cease to excite us, and so we find out ways to do something differently, but the new becomes the old, and the old never brings back anything to life, still burnt.
It still makes me sad that these guys have just come and go. I just self-talk and write to appease myself mentally and emotionally. I talk to some friends who just say the right words, words that were never lifted from a movie excerpt or internet quote. I always choose to do my own thing, my own life, and my own self. But letting go can’t go on for a lifetime. I need to find the reason that the flame will stay, and that the candle won’t melt. The reason should be my purpose in someone else’s life. My recent break-up from a short-lived, 9-month relationship made me realize this. I felt that we are our own independent selves. We do things on our own. We decided together sometimes, but this never made us whole. We never submitted to any of us. We just went on with our lives while we banked on random eating out, cooking together at his condo unit, and watching TV or Netflix. But I felt his dwindling as well as mine. I confronted him, and he was shaken. He then decided to go back to singlehood. He sent his last “I LOVE YOU” via SMS, and I never responded since then. I saw him on this gay app, and that has made a difference because I finally decided that the wick has again been extinguished because indeed, I never had the purpose in his life, and mine to his.
Relationships are never simplistic or contract-bound. It always is at the mercy of the couples’ will and emotional state. Some marriages end. Some engagements never lead to weddings. Some relationships never last long enough to be considered commitment. After all, it isn’t about what the person is that keeps the candle ablaze. It’s the purpose and meaning one plays in another’s life.
The Spekt 