29th: Leaping into the Unknown

Today is the 29th of February making 2016 the leap year. Simply put, the leap year comes just to put the calendar in sync with the total number of the days that the earth revolves. It has something to do with how the Gregorian Calendar is set. But this year comes every 4 years, making someone born on February 29th a lot younger than the rest. But I keep wondering how it is like to be born on this particular year. This entry is not to attempt any journalistic feature by collecting people’s experiences. This is to reflect on the 29th being the day that is making the leap year. To me, the leap year is more of a regression from the scare of rushing to my 30th, which will come any sooner, months from now, this year. Such pause actually makes me think about my last year in my 20s, and such day for this leap year, makes me desire to just be born on the 29th just so to stop my aging to my 30th.

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This scare or anxiety of getting to my 30th probably has been programmed in society through social media, through my interaction with peers, and through my psychological make-up that, yes, I am not getting any younger, that I will get really old in the coming days. I have spoken with a few colleagues who are in their early and mid-thirties, and they tell me that there is nothing to be scared about because it’s nothing more than just an ordinary day while walking in the park. But I still can’t get to that point because I haven’t gone there yet. I just feel the rush through my mind and emotions that, oh my goodness, I am finally getting to the my 3oth. And I began, introspecting and understanding myself. I could only list a handful reasons, and with these, I can probably sort things out to prep myself for that glorious 30th day, something I still don’t know what may happen.

1. My achievement VS. Their Achievement

This is one big reason for my anxiety. A ton of literature, quotations, and motivational media-based materials have circulated that I have gone through saying that it’s not good to actually put myself at par with the rest as each is not the same. One is unique. But this doesn’t make sense to me as I always have this belief that I can get to where others have gone. I must concede that I am different, and my opportunities are unique to the rest, but this shouldn’t stop me from getting there. By conveniently settling for one’s disposition, one may simply drown in immobility of getting somewhere. To me, there is always a reason to move ahead. Things don’t have to be the same as the rest, but I have to get somewhere.

To me, this source of anxiety is normal. It’s a natural way of dealing with the unknown, of getting to the 30th. This sense of achievement is correlated with one’s sense of security in the future; and to any normal living human being, it’s rather a natural inkling to feel that once one gets to his or her 30th, everything will change. Work or career structure will change as some companies would require younger employees. This sense of security is compounded in one’s sense of survival. The point is, while getting to my 30th, there is nothing to stop me from getting there. I have a life vision, and I will realize that.

2. My coping of loneliness VS. Their coping of loneliness 

While it is conventional for most to marry upon reaching the 3oth, for someone like me who goes against the grain, it isn’t the case. I always think that marriage is simply a contract more than an emotional and psychological commitment. What puts people together is that intrinsic drive to be together. No institution can dictate upon this. Every law or religious dictum acts only as a social control, to put society in order. But it is true that it will still be upon the discretion of people. My point is that this means of actually scheduling oneself for marriage on the 30th doesn’t necessarily apply to all. That sense of finding someone as, again, programmed by society, is still upon the individual’s choice and means. To me, this is a way to basically deal with loneliness more than just to procreate and breed new lives, which may not necessarily live a very fruitful one in the future. But loneliness can be dealt with envisioning a solitary life, surrounded by books, with a golden retriever who can be named Skipper (my first dog’s name), and just a well-sustained life. This loneliness seeps in once the 3oth is nearing.

I deal with this by opening up myself to possibilities. I used to be a lot scared as I might gray alone and die unable to make a difference in someone’s life. But I have blinded myself from so many people, family, friends, colleagues, and future acquaintances alike. There are many people to meet and interact. They can just come and make a sense in my life. I am getting to my 30 a few months from now, but I am valuing the people who are around me. I can find love and companionship along the way, but this doesn’t make me any less.

3. My 20s Experience VS. Their 20s Experience

More than just envy, I reckon that my 20s experiences couldn’t seem to be enough. I feel like I have so much to catch-up. My peers have gone to places, and I haven’t done much. I feel like I should be traveling more, that I should be going to more events, that I should be doing things, that I should finish my graduate studies soon, and that I should do the things that I love the most, more than my job. I am seeing that people seem to be getting there all fulfilled and ready for the 30th bang, and I feel I am not yet there.

But this is okay because, to me, I can always take time. There is always the right time for me. I may not have gone different places, I may not have done things I should be doing now, and I may not have seemingly fulfilled my 20s in the manner that everyone should have done so, but again, this shouldn’t stop me. I should always strive and aim for that destination, wherever that may be.

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I wish I were born on the 29th of February as it should have stopped my aging to my 30th. But I also wish I could do more before my 30th, or better yet, once I get there, I wish I still had that vigor to live and realize these things I am yet to live and realize at the same time. I wish that my colleagues in their 30s were right, that it’s all going to be just fine, that I will just be the same, exuberant individual, fighting my way to achievement, success, fulfillment, contentment, and love maybe.

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