Whenever I ask myself who I really am, I am left dumbfounded because I don’t exactly know. I often engage in things and activities that I find interesting and that most people do. I would say that I am achieving to becoming a renaissance man of my generation. But this is rather different. The Renaissance man of his era is specializing in many things out of the need to survive and to expand one’s ability in a competitive society.
Today, I want to do so many things because I have all the options. It’s not so much the need to compete. It’s rather founded on the idea that there is just so much to be passionate about. I thought I was going to end up as a journalist when I was a kid because I have had this love for writing, well since I have been associating myself to my mom’s family who is insatiably passionate in writing. It just comes out naturally in them. But I ended up in the corporate arena of training. Going through my adolescence, I also had this unquenchable desire for performing arts. I have always loved the limelight, which makes me face the audience more. This went on in college, up until today. It’s just that I now have the adult consciousness of keeping up with my age and the people of my age, and I end up wall-flowering my way through experiences. But then again, right after college, in my early 20s, while juggling work, early romance, and the search for oneself, I began venturing into different arrays of interests. I thought of studying photography, which benefited me in my quest for writing and online journalism. But this came as an ephemeral and seasonal desire. But I still have it in me. Making videos came to mind, but I have always had this love for videography since I was a kid. Apart from this, I like to do hosting and events organizing. On the side, I have this thing for acapella singing, which I am hoping to bring to reality. There is just so much that I want to do. I am pretty much a lunatic of so many things. My mood changes because I have so many things in mind.
But I am not the renaissance man of his age. I am simply myself, my millennial self, with all the options that surround me, trying to figure out what it’s there for me to really show the world. I still don’t know what that is. But phenomenology has it that life is rather relative. The natural experience of life development is rather relative to the individuals’ perception of the surrounding people, occurring events, and unfolding changes. But in my case, people will simply say I am just all over the place, and that I can’t claim anything since everything seems just a speck of these things. There is no sense of mastery. You see, that’s how I differ from the Renaissance man of his age because I live these things on my passion to actualize them not on the basis of skill-gain, competition, and getting ahead of others.
My question then, is passion inferior to specialization and mastery? I know I can excel at something if I choose to, and if I put myself in it 100%. But the world lets me choose one because that’s just how it is. I am just looking at myself all pressed to choose. I don’t know exactly where I should head. I just don’t know right now. Should I settle for one thing just to survive? Is it necessary to leave the other things behind? Then, that makes everything unfortunate because these things are part of me. I can’t just let go of them. But the Renaissance man of his era can juggle things under his own time. I just wish I could do that with the recognition that I am a master of so many things with just my passion to live on.
Now, here I am writing about my millennial struggle, the search for my niche without doubt. But if I were to use deconstructionism, considering that my collective, seemingly lost self is a whole text, and that to people, I am just a poor lad seeking for what I am good at, there is just so much to understand of myself, my experience, my desire, and my perception of things. One thing’s certain – I have a burning passion for so many things. But more so, I have the sense of creativity to realize my ideas and interests. That’s the meaning of all these beyond what most would think of me, of a millennial me. I can start with that. And whenever I feel that things seem to go off at one time because there is just no direction I am seeing, I go back to the meaning I put in my experiences, and I tend to stand on the ground and begin anew.
Lost. Yes, I am. But I have so many things with me to realize and actualize. The Renaissance man would write, sing, dance, and perform for the sake of mastery. I, on the other hand, would do these things out of the desire to put and find meaning in them.