On Loneliness – Graying Mornings

This was a piece I wrote back when I started working and strutting the streets, believing I can conquer anything, anywhere. But despite this freshness and ideals in me, there was something missing, something untouched. And so I just put it into writing… 

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Working for about five months now for a job that has warranted or coerced me to get up at 3:00 in the morning has set my body to just wake up yet so early. Mornings can be less inimical to me, befriending at that. It is still my most comforting part of the day. But at certain times, it can even in time reinforce some forgotten emotions. It can be temporal for thinking. It can evoke subconscious emotions. And now, I am giving shades to it, especially when supposed brightening ones aren’t.

I have since then felt loneliness way back when I thought there was no one else to depend upon, when there was no one to trust any longer, when there was no one to care for, when I felt I was merely done with things and was moving elsewhere. These times came alongside my nihilist thoughts of having an end to whatever is me, to whatever is my life. But, I have often seen faces of people, and so I still live, still writing this.

Just recently, this emotion, fluctuating often times, has come to my senses when just recently some office colleagues, with whom I have built some personal connection, are yet to leave out of compulsory company instruction or simply choice. They have been the people I have routinely talked to. They have kept me my needed company at times when I felt that I was just alone. And now, they are yet to traverse their own paths in their own lives, I will yet be left by myself. What’s amusing is that they are leaving all at once. I said to myself back then that I need not be attached to any relationship so as to move on, so as to fulfill what I have set as my aspirations. But yet again, I need people; I need friends. I need them. I have made them my friends.

Adding to this evoked emotion is a departing of a good friend, with whom I have shared so much. We may think alike, or not. We may agree on something, or simply dispute on so many. And having known that he had plans to continue his studies, it dawned on me that again it’d be some days of being alone.

Most would deal with people most often than not to fill that void, that gap that makes one feel the misery of being sole. It is perfectly normative that each would seek for company for the sake of lessening the said burden. But this seeking and even finding worsens such predicament as it affirms the thought within that this predicament truly exists.

There are simply two means to living: to live with or without someone. To live with someone is the most conspicuous option there is. It is the very reason why people live and interact. Everyone knows, loves, understands, acts, commits mistakes and even corrects them. It is the fundamental reason for people’s survival in everyday. But even if with this context, the idea of loneliness is still augmented. Because of the constant interaction and encounter in everyday, people will have the idea of being with a company or not, and being pressured by peers can be factorial herewith. The point is people will not have a precept of loneliness unless the counter or the opposite is introduced. Thus after being with a group of friends, perhaps after some beach escapade, some would frustrate themselves for feeling void of people around.

Another alternative is by having no company at all. The exact opposite can be some antidote to such feeling of abandonment. It is true that by living by oneself, without attachments to anywho will simply be a purification of thoughts of being alone. And this will knowingly be the best option there is. But, NO! It is even the reason for such predicament, the feeling of loneliness. Having without or without the thought is even worse. The assumption of such antithesis to company held and bound lifestyles doesn’t necessarily put into place the best there is. It is even the ground of such problem.

Waking up in the morning without a thought of someone to live for, and to love, is simply a routine without a life. It can be exhaustive at times, having goals attained at the end of shifts, doing the same activity everyday. This is not about love. This is simply being human, a being with the purpose of living. This is about understanding the feeling of loneliness, not in the very depths of being with just one, but in the wisdom of relationships and processes therein.

I just thought that mornings can really be a good time to think about certain complexities in the everyday life of someone in continuous flow of some cosmic entirety. I just thought that on the idea of having merely two extremes branching as cures to loneliness, there can inconspicuously be one option, not a middle ground, but some pragmatic and personal alternative.

Dealing with people can still be done. There may be variations in personalities that need not be embraced or let be penetrated within one’s person. It’s merely to be guarded or walled within setting aside vulnerabilities. Having professional relationships in the workplace is a good illustration. There may still be healthy chit-chats alongside smiles and reactions, but attachments may as well be not intended. It’s like urbanizing principles of interaction. By this, options for the alternative and cure for being alone can be laid fair and objectified. This may create some internal difficulties, but it’s one option that can never be forsaken or that may not have the propensity to failure, both in the boundaries of the said extremes earlier.

I am fully aware that this will breed syntheses and discussions. But this is the better thought especially in a diverse and dynamic environment like what is today.

Loneliness can actually be felt in the cold of mornings. The silence makes the lone tunes dwindle. Heating up breakfast at an early, 3:00 am routine, going through set clothes for the day, thinking of what means of transportation to take, over-thinking of life’s paradoxes and probably self compromises bloat this idea and make it even worse. In the blue shading of mornings, in the wait for the rise of the sun, there can be thoughts that linger, thoughts that come from within. I feel lonely, but I still feel like going. My thoughts have lingered for quite a time now, but yet again, I continue. I write. I think. I live. I wake up in the blends and shades of my mornings.

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